In 2012, I was diagnosed quite enthusiastically by my GP with what he called ‘severe depression’. All I remember from that day is my mum leaving the room and then being addressed with “So, Courtney, you’ve been feeling sad?”. Cue hysteric crying. By me. Not by my GP. But probably also from my mum standing outside.
Fast-forward 4/5 years and I’m sitting here in my bed after a long, old day where the only interesting events were going to the gym and cleaning the bathroom. Fill in the blanks with crying and talking to my dog. It makes me wonder if I hadn’t been suffering from depression in 2012 (and prior), would it have happened eventually? As in, is this what I am emotionally cut out for? Is this what I need in my life to make me better? Of course, I’m doing my best to get out of this rut, but I truly believe for me this is a mental condition that just requires time and a whole lot of support and perseverance to heal. I can get a new job, new friends, new house, completely clean up my diet, add more exercise… this is still what is going on in my head. Although temporary, this is what I’m dealing with.
Thankfully I can say it’s been a mostly upward battle. But still, there is nothing I agree with more than this highly overused pic/diagram/whatever it is:
I didn’t consider depression as something I was still living with. When I let go of my eating disorder I started (finally) being able to feel happy again, and undiagnosed myself from both disorders. But perhaps it’s not so easy. I often think about how easy it would be for me to fall back into eating disordered habits, as it’s such a physical addiction, I suppose. Maybe that’s why depression will hit people like a goddamn bullet train. Because it’s emotionally based and therefore more difficult to make prior corrections to your state of mind (rather than adjustments to your physical habits – eating, sleeping, exercising). Obviously there’s more to it than that, with mind and body being interlinked. But it makes me feel a little better to talk about how I’m feeling as though it’s a biological malfunction, rather than blaming myself, feeling guilty and at fault and then beating myself up about it.
Anyway, this is a fairly personal piece of work, but I wanted to be more forward with this sort of thing because that’s somewhere I went wrong the first time around. (Not that I want this to be a round 2. Damn, no, it won’t be.) But anyhow, I think this is a good place to start. Imma go eat cos I’m super hungry because it’s past 3pm and I haven’t eaten today. L8rs.
PS. Still a lot of pain in leg but it’s relatively good. The best it has been.