Somehow I fucked up

I’m lying here…

On the floor…

Where you left me…

I think I took too much.

Except I’m not as cool as Alecia Moore, no one actually left me here, I’ve run out of painkillers and/or neurofen to take, and I can’t run just as fast as she can at the moment because I’ve got intense pain running down my left leg whenever I try to move. I ain’t even mad. Except I am. And so, I just wanted to document this pain for a while to see any improvements, and if there are none then at least we will have a record of events leading up until my death.

It all started on September 14…
Actually, I’m not sure. But I’ve definitely had this pain for longer than (holy shit, I just sneezed holy shit it hurts my god is anyone out there can you hear me) … for longer than 2 months, maybe even 3. Yesterday I saw the physiotherapist for the first time. Origin of pain is in lower back, which is pushing on sciatic nerve (I totally knew it all along). He massaged, heated, told me to take anti-inflammatories and gave me exercises to do. But most importantly, he justified my pain and deemed it cause for worry. It’s been particularly emotionally draining trying to heal myself, particularly when I have physical goals I want to reach and things I want to do with my life other than lying on my bedroom floor but really can’t because my pain is so debilitating. But I’m hoping it’s only upwards from here.

But, if it’s not better then I’m off to the GP. Which I hope don’t question my mental state because I’m a goddamn mess right now. One of my very favourite persons actually sent me this yesterday:
Screen Shot 2016-12-06 at 8.52.24 am.png
WOW, great reply Court. I’m glad you’re so grateful for your friends. But really I’m just incredibly anxious at the moment and incredibly lonely and cry an awful lot. I know this injury is a lot to blame because I can’t live my best life without pain. Very discouraging. But even though I am in a bit (a lot) of a dark spot right now, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I’ve been through this before and I know it does get better (but if this keeps happening then what’s the point in prolonging it????). I’m also a bit lost because uni is over, I don’t have much of an income right now and I need to find a new job (but THE PAIN). I will be okay though. As much as I want to cry right now.

Anyway, what I came here for…
PAIN: high, major pins and needles, hurts to live.

Will update you tomorrow.


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